Looking Ahead March 19^th 2013

The fortnight was a tale of two cities.  The first week saw my body weighed down with a couple of minor infections and increased antibiotics.  The second half was bereft of medicines and a lot of recovery.

I woke up on the 8^th feeling a temperature.  It turned out to be 99.3.  That was a curve ball because we were getting ready to visit the doctor on the 9^th and he had promised reduction of medicines.  There was little chance of that happening with the infection.   I went into a spin – the ups and downs of a serious illness are unparalleled.   I had just gained a few Kgs – Now this – Why this?

A ½ hour of self pity and conversation with Amita set me straight and went into a mode of accepting reality.  The body mind went into a deep meditation where it stilled itself and accepted reality – inviting and being one with the infinite cosmic touch that is part of everything that happens.  The fever subsided.  That too passed.  The next day saw my fever spiking to 101.7 for ½ hour  and then vanish.  That too passed.

The doctor put me on one more anti-biotic.  Predictably, the week turned out to be one of increased acidity, gastritis.  The blood counts (Total blood counts, platelets, lymphocytes  etc.) turned out to be ok.  Haemoglobin and protein levels are low but the doc is relaxed since there has been weight gain and hence external supplements, in his mind, are not required.

The first half morphed into the second and the medicines eased up.  Doc cut down medicines to just 2 in the morning, 2 in the afternoon and 3 in the night.  I am within a shout of 60 Kgs.  This is from 53 a month ago.  Amita and I are walking in a park everyday outside for 15 to 20 minutes.  Increased reading, meditating, eating etc.. I am enjoying food and able to eat more substantive menus (sambar in addition to rasam, red rice in addition to white etc… ).

Life threw us another curveball.  Amita’s mother, who has been our oxygen as we have navigated the caves and mountains during the last year, fell down and broke her right arm and wrist.  She underwent successful surgery and is in a 6 week convalescent period with us.  Ashok, Gayatri and Amita are doing their best and I am trying to be less of a pest than usual!  Kindly pray that her recovery is complete.  All signs are good.

Sharing

I also noticed that an un-explainable smile creases my countenance when there no commentaries on reality.   The smile is a manifestation of self love.  This is beautifully elucidated by Anita Moorjani in her book “Dying to be me”.  In her words;  “The state of pure allowing seems to be a place where most positive changes can occur,  Let yourself be you, no matter who you are (or what is happening.    I don’t advocate positive thinking as a blanket prescription.  If and when I notice negative thought’s creeping in, it seems best to allow them to pass through with acceptance and without judgement.  When I try to suppress or force myself to change my feelings, the more I push them away, the more they push back. (This is the highest form of self love – acceptance of self in all its forms).

I also re-discovered Wei Wei Wu, a very special Buddhist philosopher.  The mind and its concept of me is beautifully explained in his words;  “Just as the several blades of an electric fan are not visible when the fan is in motion, similarly, when the mind is continually in movement, the several facets of me are not visible.  If the mind is slowed down, and is observed with passive alertness, the analysis can be quite a shock; the supposedly unified entity of the ”me” breaks down into many separate and opposite segments”.

These words were brought alive to me in my moments of passive awareness.  I observed how the movie of life is played.  Life is the re-playing of one short movie at a time from an infinite database of youtube short films recorded in the past.  One short movie at a time is triggered by an experience (sensory perceptions coming in contact when a stimuli).  The mind then creates life a we know it – by adding meaning to these independent short films; thereby connecting all of them.  Similar to making an apparel from disparate lines of thread or making a necklace from disconnected stones.

It will be fascinating to explore the rules of how;

• The short movies are selected, woken up, replayed, created, stored?
• How do we weave the multiple movies into a single motion picture?  What are the rules and how are they formed?

Please keep us in your prayers!  And visit us.

Looking ahead March 2^nd 2013

Improving week.   Doc has reduced our visits to once in 2 weeks.  He has cut steroids completely. This should provide a lot of relief in the not distant future.    Other medicines have been cut by 25%.  Dr Sharath has indicated that most will come out (if my counts hold) in the next few weeks. My blood counts are fluctuating a little bit.  My haemoglobin and protein levels are low; so is my total blood count.  B12 levels turned out ok.  It might be because of a minor infection of the Urinary track that was detected.  I have been taking some mild antibiotics and already seem better after 2/3 days.

Walking a lot more.  Getting up and down a stepper at home.  I need to be able to climb stairs and get out of a chair by myself.  My buttock muscles and hamstrings need to be strengthened.  They have been rendered “jelly” by the steroids.  My quadriceps have shown great improvement in the last 3 weeks.  Amita tells me that while my weight has not increased, I look a lot more defined.   Moving out of the house and going walks in the park over the last 4 days.  Is terrific to look at trees, sunset and cricket!

Still having some stomach discomfort.  But able to consume more normal food with a little spice and in increasing quantity.  Still has not reflected in my weight, but hoping it will – soon.  My weight is a scrawny 55Kgs! Down from my 80’s.  Even I cannot suppress a grimace when I look at myself in the mirror.  But Amita says I look a lot better and defined.

Am mentally much sharper.  Able to engage, read, meditate, do some work etc…Everything seems a little bit quicker now and not as much as an effort.  I was telling Amita that the hardest part of this recovery is that the routines are no longer routines.  Baths, eating, walking, getting up from a chair all have been a bit of a project.  The other hard part is, because of the weakened physique, the normal ups and downs of the body are not as trivial.  The discomfort’s have echoes that last.  A small incident of a soap falling on your leg, or a neck catch,  or a slight indigestion causes so much more pain than a normal time.

The last week saw a simplification of my thoughts.  It occurred to me that at  a very abstract level moments in the day can be two;

a)      Active moments

b)      Passive moments

An active moment allows for the moment to happen.  No matter what it is.  The body/mind might judge, criticize,  enjoy, be sad, be jealous etc.. All that is allowed to happen.  All that is just observed. The recursiveness of judging, criticizing, enjoying, grief, jealousy, is stopped (usually the body/mind spirals into a self feeding cycle of criticizing the criticism/judging the judgement/enjoying the enjoyment/grieving the sadness).

A passive moment is either an absent minded moment where the body/mind spirals into a self feeding cycle of criticizing/judging/enjoying the criticism, judgement and enjoyment.  Or a meaningless “associative memory” triggered chain of thoughts (the mind at the end of a phone call free-associates with phones which associates with scams which associates with Raja which associates with kings which associates with hatred for the rich etc…).  A passive moment is not all bad or unproductive; moments of concentration, love, singing can also be passive.  In these moments the body mind is fully involved in a non-recursive way in the song or subject.  – without the awareness..  The potential downside of these “productive moments” are that they strengthen the part of the brain responsible for self-feeding/recursive-ness.

A good question for me now is “am I observing my writing or am I writing”!.

Sharing

Am reading a lovely book – Breakout Nations by Ruchir Sharma.  Anyone moderately interested in a socio/political tour of the world with a financial backdrop should pick this up.  Ruchir Sharma is the MD of Global Investments at Morgan Stanley.

I also re-discovered an old rock and roll song.  True Colors by Cindy Lauper.  I sent this to an friend of mine whose kid was struggling a bit.

You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged
Oh I realize
Its hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

(When I last saw you laughing)
If this world makes you crazy
And you’ve taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show

Your true colors
True colors
True colors
Shining through

I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Looking ahead March 2^nd 2013