The month seemingly rolled on with a lot of moss – smooth with better creatine levels, more energy, better strength and balance with my Yoga, stable Liver counts, et all .. till the pebble hit a boulder it could not stomach! Got into a week of indigestion and stomach flu, which was really really tough because it triggered acidity issues and fever. Now it is stabilizing. A big discomfort is dry eyes. It is tough but I am learning how to manage it. It feels like a grain of sand in the eye; which is not the most pleasant thing. The doctors are happy with the progress and the immuno-suppresant medicines have been cut down a little more.

Had a wonderful trip to Chennai. Attended an upanayanam ceremony of Amita’s cousin’s kid and caught up with friends. The Chennai trip and staying in an AC environment for a few days triggered dry eyes (which is a known side effect of the Graft Vs Host issues). The month also saw me attend the marriage of Amita’s friend’s daughter, which was terrific.

There was humour when my pathologist who has been seeing me for 2 years, asked me if I was Naresh’s brother, when I walked in to her lab without a mask and possibly a little more rounded with a little more energy than usual!

A big shoutout to all my “protein” friends who shipped me boxes of protein powders from the US. I think we received 25-30 boxes protein enhancement powders. The protein counts crossed the “normalcy” for the first in 2.5 years. Quite a climb from the depths it was. Thanks guys. You kept me going.

We celebrated our 24 years together. There is not much I can say to someone who is the oxygen of my life; because I might get breathless.

This post is dedicated to a little Champion from Chennai – Samyukta, 18 years old – who is where I was 2.5 years ago. Please include her in your prayers and mentally send her your bestest of wishes. I know how much it has meant and helped me. I pray she accepts everything that is happening to her. And every cell of her body, blessed with this acceptance, smiles and lovingly conquers all without the need to destroy.

Musings

It feels strange as I try to begin the process of reintegrating with the world. I liken it to a soldier returning from a war, going to a Mall and being dis-oriented in “normalcy”. My reactions are thankfully not judgemental or violent.   The foundation for not being judgemental or violent seems to be the personal integrity that I seem to be blessed with. I am constantly reminded that I cannot make a judgement on others or me when it is a reflection on I was before I fell sick. Having seen the lions mane of the universal hand and the shadowy whiskers of personal security in my illness and recovery, All are seen as the manifestations of the universe

The change of many of the beliefs and desires bring interesting questions and observations into most situations.   Almost all thoughts in the world are observed to be driven by the need for security, and hence most actions are observed to enhance self-preservation. Thankfully, no negative judgement arise and seen as manifestation of the Universal. But, most conversations are interspersed by thoughts of Do I talk or not? Is what I am going to say too complicated?

The BBC movie on the “Nirbhaya rape case” was telling. Many including me were quick to embrace the “right” stand, “ban the movie”, “do not ban the movie”, “hang the guilty!”, some of went as far as signing petitions to debar the lawyers who were defending the accused!. The remorselessless and justifications indulged by the accused was a huge talking point. Deeper understanding and observations happened – that I and everyone talking about this are the root of the conflict – nay we are the conflict itself. The accused grow in the quagmires of injustice, and impotent to do anything about it, have no qualms about being unjust. Our collective need to preserve ourselves and our remorseless need to hoard wealth have built the disparity and resultant violence. The “me” is reflected in Sheila Dikshit, who leads a lavish lifestyle, and expounds her theories on the video without any remorse!. But is this too complicated for most, antagonistic for all? How do I even talk about this when I am the very source of this conflict? These questions and observations prevent active participation in conversations anymore.

On the work front, I was involved in a non-profit venture for some years before my diagnosis. The ending was bitter and confusing at that time, but subsequently became clear that we all acted to preserve ourselves. It is clear to me that a majority of donations come with agendas; much of them detrimental to “service”.   It is clear to me that I have never given a donation in anonymity and refrained from bringing it up in social conversations to boost my identity. Of late, as opportunities and conversations present themselves; my involvement is interspersed with a lot of questions; Isn’t all this talk of “doing good” fuelled by the same motives of preserving self that the corrupt indulge in? What is my role when I have no interest in dong good to enhance my or anyone elses personal identity? Is this too complicated for most, antagonistic for all?

And so on ..

These questions observations comfortably rest in the foundations of the peace within me. With it, for now, there is no need for activity and resolution except doing the spontaneous.

In the dark starry night;
There is much rejoicing in the Batman
It finds itself
Unshaken by provocating winds;
In the forest of serenity

As life
sheds its autumn leaves of desires
Branches of memory fall
The important is passé
The meaningful has lost its sheen.
It lives in its ocean of fulfilment
Without thinking and ruminating

The day dawns, activities wake up
The autumn leaves of desires are strewn on the detritus

The Batman Waits

All awareness and acceptance went through the window in the 4 days of acute stomach bug

In the depths of pain
“I” surfaced as the sufferer
Awareness and acceptance driven away
By the past and future
The Past, chauffeured by memories of other pain
Future trips planned by fears

With nothing to do
The drivers and chauffeurs
Finish their shifts

And in the moments of clarity

Hey Now
You Are
Infinite time and space
Transcending the known
Untouched
Un corrupted
Ever fragrant
And pure

Sharing

Amita and I were reminded of the much reading and story telling we did when the kids were small. I used to make up crazy stories that had me and the kids on the edge and sometimes in splits. “Emmas Pet” by David Mcphail has to be one of the greatest Dad/Daughter children books ever written (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCn8SitleCs has a readalong of the book.. of course, the voices do not match up to me reading it!) . Amita read from many great children book authors; non greater than Shel Silverstein.

His website is a must see http://www.shelsilverstein.com/

I am including a link to one of his books. I got these from a website and hence I am sure hoping I am not infringing on Shel’s sense of right and wrong; but I am not sure. What I am hoping is that this will improve his book sales!

Clicking on this will bring up a pdf file

shel silverstein – Missing piece meets the BigO