29th October 2017

October 28, 2017 at 9:25 PM (Uncategorized)

Some terrific days happened.  Walk an hour in the morning.   Work during the day.  Play bridge at 430 and some light weight lifting at 6PM.  Then the reminder that my health is still very fragile came.  I came down with a bit if a viral, cough and increased BP.  My BP has always been rock steady through out the 5 years.  Suddenly it decided to creep up.  Living with a compromised heart and kidney means that the diagnosis for most issues is– multi factorial.  I had a good laugh with my doctors on this.  It is hard to pin down anything on a singular cause anymore.  We need to alleviate the symptoms and hope for the best.  My docs have been quite extra-ordinary.  All of them need to constantly work together and make sure that the introduction of a medicine does not compromise something else.   Different issues needs one of them to take the lead and co-ordinate based on a specific issue.

I needed some cough and BP meds.  Hopefully it is temporary.  It threatens to derail a trip to Nainital and Jim Corbett Park next week.  But, what the hell!

Kids are ok.  And Amita is incredibly busy with her practice.  And full of life.

Musings

 

A soul mate took the trouble of taking me to the abode of bliss – Anandashram.  For me – a heaven on earth.  I stayed clear from the inevitability of conflict when groups of people gather for anything – and fixed myself on the incredible life of the great Swami who founded the ashram.  This is a place where songs and chants are like oxygen in the air, where cows have bliss of their own.  This is a place that does not plan for the future – no fixed deposits, no savings for a rainy day.  A place that is carried by the extreme faith of the founder(Papa).  We celebrated life there.  The exalted teaching of Papa made light of the miracles of the last 5 years.  If Universe wills then it happens. That’s it.  Not much discussion on my journey and learning and all of that.  It was fun, frolic, love, caring, serving among buddies.  Many of my wellwishers happened to be there, and some of them made the trip for me.  4 days of delight in the ordinariness of miracles.  The current head of the ashram, Swami Muktananda, is a modern day Vivekananda – full of ideas, joy, love, and concern that I feel abundantly.

 

My rentry to the world continues to happen.  It is quite fascinating to watch my perceptions, reactions and observations as it unfolds.   I attended a talk by one of the founders of https://www.povertyactionlab.org/ .  They do Randomized Control Trials (ACT) on non profit and government projects.   They created quite a stir 15years ago by rightfully exposing a lot of government poverty alleviation spending in South East Asia and Africa as wasteful expenditure. I tried to implement the process in my project and found it unworkable.  Now, 5 years after serving time in doctor’s cabins, I attended the talk curious to know about their progress, especially in light of my difficulties in implementing their idea.  I was struck at how stuck they were.  The brash boys of the NGO world, who made their living exposing programs, now had to come up solutions.  I realized they did not have a clue and were expounding theories on flimsy evidence – the very enemy that established their existence.  It got me thinking, and realized that a critiquing mind is so different from a creative mind.  Both are important.  A critiquing mind is fault finding, inured, talkative, closed, definitive, singularly driven by its opposition etc. This was underscored by listening to another vociferous critic immediately after the lecture.  A creative mind is open, tentative, listening, learning, thoughtful, unbiased, moment to moment driven, not a slave to any beliefs etc… Both have an important role, but a transition warrants the leaders to think very deeply about personal and organizational transformation.

This transition seems impossible.  JPAL has been promoting itself to being an impending recipient of the Nobel prize.  It has worked itself into a fervour – for 20 years – on this RCT for non-profit project idea.  Changing course, acknowledging shortcomings, after all of this! – seems impossible. But it can be done.  Premji Foundation, after 15 years of work, proclaimed to the world that their approach was not right and were going a different way.  Mr Premji, their donor, has the sagacity to support the change and the management and realize the incredible complexities and lack of answers in the social sector.  I am not sure of the effects of Wipro’s altered course, but seems like the world could do with more of this courage.

I needed a lot of Mr Premji’s courage when I was celebrated at Harvard on May 18, 2012 and then diagnosed and retired from the world with my diagnosis on June 2, 2012. Walking away was easier for me, maybe because I just did not have the physical strength to cling on to anything. But imagine having to let go despite having all the strength and everything to lose for. The Indian ethos is primed for these events. Our favourite national hero’s – Rama leaving his kingdom, Gandhi spinning wheel one day a week during the heat of the independence struggle, the Gita expanding on giving up fruits of actions etc. It seems like the Indian culture prepares an individual for the worst possible moment in life. The Western way is to not corrupt the good times and deal with the bad times when they some.  Both seem like reasonable ways to live.

I am finding most things in the world ambushed with conflict of interest.  An activist wants the identity.  A news channel anchor wants the job.  A political leader has everything to lose by not toeing the line. I did PremaVidya because it gave me recognition, meaning etc.  I worked in the corporate world because I needed the money.  I married because of my need for companionship. Most times, this pervasive conflict of interest in the world works for us.  For example, when my docs take the extra step in taking care of me or when my friends go out of the way to help. But many times, it does not.  The 5 years in doctor’s cabins, for now, has left me fascinated and alert to this fact of the world.  However, there are instances when I judge it and the world gets stale in those moments and I retreat to the infinite treasure within.

Self interest and conflict of interest that is the basis of this world leaves us with happy moments (moments when these interests are met) and sad moments – when they are not.  Our inability to handle the uncertainty of it all leaves us with the need to escape, for discourses, religion, spirituality, whatsapp groups, non profit causes, pursuits of wealth, spiritual books, need to travel, rituals and so on.  Sometimes, these pursuits work, leaving us more confused.  We assume that our efforts led us to great peace, wealth and good times etc. failing to acknowledge the incredible magic that is needed to make the simplest thing to happen.  This reminder of a greater power and its absurd incomprehensible and inscrutable ways is only around the corner after some great times.

The incredible sacred space within is constantly revealed to me by spectre of Dying.  Death has an extreme way of stripping all of the certainty and crutches.  I had an episode of irregular heart beats yesterday.  I went into a deep meditation and was keenly watching the events unfold.  I could see this easily morph into a cardiac event.  I was observing my last conversation with someone, my last sms etc. I could not remember todays date.  There was no regret on leaving this worldly body. Just a sense of acceptance. I knew the family and everything else was in terrific hands.   In that the sacred space arose; leaving only the pure consciousness – this infinite treasure – so pristine, sacred.  It is devoid of the world.  After the couple of irregular beats settled, what remained was a wonder at the conspiracy of the divine to make every moment happen.  And watch life, mostly with a wink and smile, with the universe as a co-conspirator.