The 2 months rolled by with the normal ups and downs. There was a concern about the liver (all parameters were almost normal but one was increasing), that necessitated in some tests and a decision to wait and watch. The kidneys are staging a good recovery, which is very relieving (Ha Ha .. good pun).

My Yoga sessions with Nithya are terrific. One of the objectives we had was to feel good about my body. I guess a precursor to that is to feel my body! Which I am starting to. There is so much more flexibility, balance and strength. The asanas are quite something when mindfully done. There is so much connect with other beings and nature (The Tree Pose and the Lion Pose etc…). My body is responding to the demands, though sometimes, waves of sadness and nostalgia washes through when I am not able to do a simple thing. But that’s Lyf,

The effects of the medicines and disease are slowly being attended to. One of the debris was the early cataracts. The last 9 months was pretty much a haze, looking through the cataracts. The impending trip to the US and the Madurai trip acted as a catalyst to getting it done. I also did not want to get into any orthopaedic issues with the diminished vision. We got it done and all went well. While I was not nervous about the cataract surgery, I was really apprehensive about the possibility of my dry eyes condition increasing. It did worsen and was tough to manage on some days, but it slowly seems to be reverting to the pre-operation days. The docs tell me that the eyes are the storehouse of the most nerves in the system, and Jeez, is it true! The slightest irritation is incredibly troublesome. The last three years have challenged so many of my opinions and judgements. Brought up in sunny Trichy, I loved the sun and now I have to look at it with dark glasses! I also understand why some people like their homes and rooms to be dark. It is genetics and body constitution; not psychological. The judgements I used to pass on “grim, dark, dreary” places have ceased!

We, hopefully, leave for the US and attend Nisha’s graduation on June 10^th and come back June 30^th. We go to Chicago, LA and SFO. We are very happy for Nisha who is graduating with a double major in Math and Economics from the University of Chicago. She wants to get meaningful and challenging work and we await it to unfold in her life. The little girl set a goal for me when I was diagnosed – to attend her graduation, and it is both incredible and nervy that it is this close. Please do keep us in your prayers and send us your best wishes that the trip happens and is manageable.

Musings

I had a lot of fluid in my body when I embarked on a 4day trip to Madurai (my second favourite temple town in the south). I came back with no fluid and the kidneys function had improved. All the fluid had found its way out. Little changed during the trip; the only changes were probably increased activity and little more heat down in Madurai. The reactions from the medical fraternity were typical with the generalist doctor attributing the recovery to reasons that are “multi-factorial”; the specialists ascribing it to their speciality etc.. But I think there were important psychological and spiritual reminders for me. Madurai Meenakshi holds a special place in my heart, This was an important nudge that “faith” can move mountains.

The psychological dimension was an equally important reminder. I was apprehensive before the trip; wondering about how my acidity, dry eyes would hold the long days and travel. There was probably a “letting go” when the trip seemed to proceed smoothly, which helped the letting go of the fluid. Emotional holding causes the body to react. It was a stark reminder that the biggest challenge to my recovery is to surrender to the universal process – which seems to be the only way to be stress free. Not having emotional tightness which comes from personal desires and ownership of outcomes seems to be the pivot to my wellbeing.

As my US trip gets underway, hopefully, in a free months; these will be critical.

I sometimes get asked for advice by the good folks who have been paid a visit by the unwelcome visitor – cancer. I always stumble, probably more aware than most that the visitor is just a doorbell ring away. When pressed, I mumble that it probably most important to be “stress free”. Not being stress free is probably what invited the unwelcome visitor, and the simplest way to be stress free to practice “day to day living”.

Post blurting this out, I often ruminate the number of times this advice was forgotten. And then I find myself becoming grateful that my faith in the universe has been always around the corner. It is a strange kind of faith – not one that believes that the universe is going to make up for the devastation by the unwelcome visitor and I will be cured and be well; but that the body/mind is the universe and it will obey its own laws that are designed to take care of all and not the individual. There is no individual. This is the shore that the ship keeps coming to; the calm in the uncertainty. The 4 wheel drive in the rocky terrain of the last 3 years. The calmest seas are when the truth shines – that all is the universe.   The sand is the desert storm; the waves is the ocean. Same difference.

Everything is designed to take care of the universe. Deers die; cheetahs live. I get sick; hundreds get employment. Someone loses a job; another gets a promotion. Thats Lyf. We do not ask when our experiences are before the semicolon; we question when it comes after the semi colon.

Sharing

I have started a small project in the self help space. It is called FreshAir, the site (which is not yet functional) is called getFreshAir.in. It is a web service that seeks to improve the wellness in a community by seeking to partner and promote wellness providers in a community, along with providing a little FreshAir to us when life experiences make us a little claustrophobic.

I am thinking of starting this without an organization. Unlike a not-for-profit model that does not allow a for-profit model to benefit from its work or a for-profit model that does not allow a not-for-profit model to thrive in its core business; this idea allows both to exist and thrive. For-profit entrepreneurial models; for example, wellness providers, companies, or an individual can raise money and support the idea. It of course catalyses volunteerism, like any non-profit would.  We have a wireframe mock up of the site. I would enjoy your feedback on the idea. It will need 30 mts from you in front of a computer. We can do it over the phone. Do email me at balanaresh@yahoo.com or call me if interested.