PostOp was 2 months of pain, pain and more pain. I had a cough that seemed to rip open my sternum. No one told me that this was so tough. Pain in my shoulders and in my sutures.   Complete inability to concentrate on anything. The saving grace was so much tiredness that I slept over 12-13 hours a day.   Painkillers gave me temporary relief. Appetite was low with the painkillers numbing the taste buds. Hospital visits were great – mostly thumbs up from the docs and it was almost like going back to another family. We had built great friendships during the admission time.

Then just around the 9 week mark, the clouds started to lift. I am now in a great place. The heart seems to have improved. Am able to walk 4-5 Kms a day. Lots of energy. Some muscle sightings. Fluid levels under control albeit with some medicines. Creatinine levels acceptable. No pain.

I had gone to Chennai for Diwali. Was a lot of fun. It was my nephews first Diwali as a married man. Lots of social events. There was also a marriage of a colleague that was so much fun. It was great to see a marriage that combined loads of fun with lots of tradition. I thoroughly enjoyed the 2 days of it.

Nisha and Ashwin come on Dec 14^th. Have some vacations planned and lots of family time to look forward to. It is one of life’s greatest blessings to see them take their steps to adulthood.

Musings

While thoughts cannot exist without awareness, there is no proof of validity of a thought but another thought.  Not believing the commentaries that goes on in the mind is a powerful state.  Nothing is perfect, nothing is not-perfect, nothing is beautiful or ugly etc.. It just is.  The issness is all there is. Looking at a diamond through the mind of a dog is freedom.  The dog has no stories about the diamond.  Our view of the diamond is filled with commentaries of possession, appreciation, envy, fear etc… the dog is free of the diamond and we are entrapped.  The issness of the diamond and the dog is worth living for.

When we embrace issness or reality, there is no mismatch in color, no misalignment or disproportions.  This is at terrible odds with the world which operates on rejection of reality and striving for a better tomorrow – a more efficient or safer or prosperous tomorrow. I find myself quiet during many conversations when I am with the Isssness.  A vast majority of social conversations revolve around justifying an opinion, that often pains one side vigorously, while ignoring the other side.  I find myself often seeing the two sides as the same; leading me to having no point of view.  Very boring in a societal context!!  Often I find myself thinking ’I don’t know’ and don’t seem to engage in conversations.  I don’t know if trump presidency is good or bad ( A few years of divisiveness may bring a longer lasting racial equality/healing etc..), I don’t know if the de-monetization is good or bad. It seems too complex to take a stand. I do not know whether my sickness was good or bad.

I am not sure the complete freedom that came with embracing death during the heart surgery exists now. I might be getting used to the good life now and might be losing the freedom. I find myself looking forward to Dec and Jan when the kids are here and our impending vacations. It is what it is.

The days after the surgery were also very revealing. Coming out of a surgery that could have done me in, that could have put me on dialysis; I should have been the happiest person in the world. But, none of that happened. That happiness was elusive. It deeply internalized my understanding that this body mind cannot be eternally happy. What we want (lasting happiness is out of reach). Just let it run its course. Dropping this idea that the mind body (conditioned to be a unique individual – me) is capable of lasting happiness has been very liberating. There is no enlightenment for an individual. At one level the body mind is incapable of sustaining anything. At another level, the individual is a shadow, an imagination.

Sharing

A friend of mine suggested “A thousand names for Joy” by Byron Katie. Quite a remarkable book. Superbly written by Stephen Mitchell (celebrated Author of Tao Te Ting, An illustrated book Lao Tsu). It has been keeping my great company for a month.

I also want to plug a quick fire read by my friend Aroon Raman “SkyFire”. A fast paced adventure thriller. A good read for a couple of hours.