It has been a fortnight on the roller coaster.  My walking had come down and was feeling tired etc..  We had attributed this to general weakness and the weaning of steroids.  But I began to realize that it had something to do with my lung.  There was some breathlessness while walking etc.. Off to the hospital we went, had an XRay and got diagnosed with bilateral pneumonia – which meant both lungs had an issue.  I was fit – no fever, no major cough, no sputum – generally healthy – but the pulmonologist did not want to take any chances and admitted me.  We got preventive antibiotics and anti viral through IVY.  The docs said it will take a week for the XRAYs to show improvement and almost to the day, a week later, the XRAYs showed improvement and we were home.   The left lung had completely cleared up and the right lung – in the words of the doctor – had begun the disintegration process.  I can already feel the difference in being able to take in a full lung of air without discomfort.  We have been asked to hold all activities for a couple of weeks and let the lung heal.

It was a strange week as I was in the hospital, without too much activity, and without being too sick.  This allowed for a lot of great reading, meditation and reflection. I am sharing this elsewhere in this post.

The hospitalization was disruptive.  My In laws had to take over the house again.  Ashwin had to deal with our absence.  Nisha and Ashwin with the uncertainties of this confusing hospitalization of a reasonably fit Dad.  The redeeming part in this was that Amita was able to leave for 4-5 hours a day and come home to help out and be with Ashwin.   Ashwin is buried in his US college application process and school studies.  ISC boards and curriculum are incredibly hard and the US college process extremely demanding.  He is learning lessons for a life time.  Nisha is interning at Tripadvisor in Boston and staying with Steve, a wonderful friend and human being.  She is thoroughly enjoying her experience.  Like all parents, it is a joy to see these kids grow emotionally, intellectually.  It feels like the delayed gratification for having to change their soiled diapers! Amita is doing well and right beside me in these roller coaster rides.  I wonder whose idea it was to board this roller coaster and who paid for the tickets!

Protein levels are finally creeping up.  I threaten Amita that I am on my way to looking like Hulk Hogan.   So many well-meaning friends have sent those protein boxes over and they seem to be finally paying off.

Musings

The biggest risks to a survivor are feeling unwanted or worthless.  Victor Frankl’s book Man’s search for meaning chronicles the role of purpose in surviving an impossible situation.  My experience is that a sense of awareness and active acceptance can be a substitute for a sense of purpose.

Experiences dissolve as they lose their intensity.  Loss of intensity happens when there is more acceptance.  When this happens, the watcher also dissolves as there is no experience to watch.  What is left is stillness.

Suffering almost always leads to new learning’s.  However, these walk a thin line that can lead us to either more happiness or sorrow.  A suffering like mine can lead to a proper understanding of the role of an individual in the backdrop of the impersonal cosmic power.  This blessing expands the self to the universe leading to greater acceptance and joy.  But it can also easily lead to self-pity, jealousy, anger, which creates greater distance between the personal self from the impersonal cosmic power.

We don’t breathe, we are being breathed.

A reflection on grammar helps to understand the pervasive duality of the world.  After all, the world is expressed in words and “words” are the window to experiences we feel.  Astonishingly bold statements have been made by sages; such as, duality is the language of the world hence there is no good without bad!.  We can get a glimpse into this through grammar!.  Adverbs: can there be slowly without quickly, frequently without rarely, here without there etc.. Verbs: can there be run without walk, eat without starve Adjectives: Can be white without black, red without no-red, rich without poor, repulsive without attractive, thoughtless without thoughtful.. Pronouns: can there be his without her etc.. Can there be singular without plural, active voice without passive voice, a proper noun without it’s absence.

Sharing

http://www.upworthy.com/know-anyone-that-thinks-racial-profiling-is-exaggerated-watch-this-and-tell-me-when-your-jaw-drops-2?g=4&c=bl3

a nice video on conditioning, and racial profiling.  So much of what we think is right is based on our conditioning.

“Billionaires Apprentice” by Anita Raghavan is a great read for those who like a quick fast read in the murky world of hedge funds and wall street.  It engages the reader in a furious travel through the real life world of Raj Rajratinam and Rajat Gupta’s insider trading.

I re-read a book “The Journey” by Brandon Bays (www.thejourney.com).  This is a fantastic book on healing and awareness. The insights that happened to me during the reading of this book were so profound.   This is a milestone book to get if you want to help someone or yourself, get over any psycho somatic issues you think exists.  It is a must read if you, like me, subscribe to the view that emotions have a huge role to play in ones well-being and hence emotions cause diseases.  I travelled to my cells and found that my brother’s cells are feeling like an unwelcome visitor in the house!  On the other hand, my organs (especially my liver) feel they were taken for granted, and not consulted before we wiped out their blood cells and stuck in new ones.  My meditations needs to harmonize the two points of view.  Deepak Chopra, in his book Ageless Body Timeless Body, makes a wonderful case for us to treat our cells and organs as complete life – with emotions and memory.  And Brandon offers her life as a testament to that theory.   She got rid of a huge tumour through her cellular healing process.

God Bless . keep us in your prayers

The liver counts are coming down (towards normal) after 2 months.  The doctor has brought down the steroids from 60Mg to 30Mg.  Bringing the steroids down has its own issues; it is inducing some fatigue, head ache along with some good stuff like increasing my sleep.  The body adapts and gets used to anything given to it over a length of time (I can empathize with the blessed individuals trying to get off drugs, alcohol etc..)! I look forward to further reduction in medicine.  The last week has seen the counts getting better but my general health turn a little weaker – possibly due to the adjustments to the decreasing steroids.  My walking over the last week has come down.  I am learning to listen to my body and only do as much as it allows me to.  And most importantly not feel guilty or goal-driven about any of this.  The throat irritation and mouth ulcers are kind of up and down like anything else.  They take a holiday on some days and have to be tolerated on others  (reminds me of our former cook!).  I am grateful that it is not impeding my eating in any large way.  Acne (because of the steroids) is much better.  The protein levels continue to remain stubborn.  My protein intake is substantial and this should hopefully turn a corner once the medicines come down.  So many friends have chipped in to send protein boxes over- God bless them.

We were warned that this is a marathon but this is turning out to be a triathlon where the organizer keeps changing the rules.  Sometimes this is very tiring, but there are thrilling moments when I marvel at the opportunity this disease has given me to break free of every pattern in my life and be in a sacred space that is independent of the vicissitudes of life.  It just is so essential to keep the faith, do what it is necessary every day and treat the imposters of pain and relief the same.

Amita and children are well.  Ashwin is growing by the day.  The process of applying to study in the US is forcing him to write and think about himself; learn the intricacies of project managing a significant effort and find ways to keep up in school and lead his football team.   Amita is enjoying her skype counselling sessions.  Her phenomenal work is bringing her wonderful people to journey with her from around the world.  I am so happy for her.  I remember 2003 when Leonilla (my counsellor) and I travelled on a life transforming journey for me.  Great counsellors are a blessing to the world especially when partnered with a counselee who is curious and determined to go beyond the patterns of the mind that enslave him/her.  NIsha is starting a summer internship at Tripadvisor in Boston.  She will start possibly on July 8^th, finish by end Aug and come home for a few weeks before her 3^rd year.

Sharing

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=r13uYs7jglg

Is an interesting glimpse into future of medical diagnostics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJRnGdS8wuE

is an enjoyable indian/tamil rock song

I think www.thework.com is so special.  Byron Katie has long been an inspiration for me.  She has a wonderful process http://thework.com/thework.php

Musings

Good, bad and the desires

Our desires are the lenses through which we view the world.  I have had a few people surprise me with their behaviour during the last year.  And consistently, I have found that they have not changed but my desires to see them a certain way clouded my perception.  Now, without those needs and desires I am able to see them for who they are.  For example, my desires to see the positives in people or put individuals in the NGO world on a pedestal blinded me or made me overlook their lack of transparency or values in certain spheres of work. They were papered over with my desires to see them in a positive light.  It is so easy to go into an interview with a future boss and look past his obvious quirks, driven by eagerness to get the job.

It is extra-ordinary to watch that the desire to milk more from “good” often leads to “evil”.  (inspired by Amish Tripathi’s Shiva Trilogy).  How many times have we lent money only to see the borrower get greedy or assume that the transaction was his birth right.  We have seen people eager and desperate for a job turn sides and start demanding more money, more power – often within months. My own disease is a great learning platform; It is so easy for me to look past all the positives that have happened and want to milk more from the positives by yearning for complete normalcy.  This often evokes feelings of discontent over the hand that has been dealt.

The birth of good and bad is through the womb of desire.  A desire defines the desirable, which slices the world into the North pole and South pole of good and bad.

Good and bad are not absolutes; they seem to be opinions of desirability.

If good and bad are the same sides of the coin, surely, Buddha’s saying that “desires are the root cause of all evil” has an important corollary –  “desires are the root cause of all good”.

Being in the present and watching “what is”- without the mind labelling – takes one beyond desires, memory, mind into the impersonal sacred absolute.

It is explosive to watch the rising and setting of desires in day to day life.  A common trap here is to have another desire that tries to get rid of the desire (that is attempted to be watched) or fulfil the desire.  This devalues “watch-ing” into another effort driven by yet another desire.

We crawl into the washing machine of life (spin, wet/dry, clean/dirty etc..) that is powered by our desires, when we identify ourselves as an individual.  It is extra-ordinary because every rational inquiry on any event, person or thing goes against the concepts of individual mind and identity, and towards a collective consciousness.  And the impossibility of being with this truth is the world’s greatest enigma.

Love is often used to describe person to person love which mostly serves to satiate the needs and desires of an individual.  There is a different type of love which is based on the absence of otherness.

As the yearly highlights roll by, our Pranams to all of you.  Your prayers and well wishes have played a pivotal role in taking us so far.  We will need more.