This was a punishing 3 weeks.  I was struck with 2 bouts of viral.  The first one was low fever but lots of body pain.  That was followed by 4-5 days of feeling fantastic.  I was micro-jogging in the house!  And then Ashwin came down with a sinus infection from school. That swept into me and I have been having 102ish fever, heavy cold, terrible racking cough that threatens to spill all the beans!  This has debilitated me.  The amazing part in all of this has been that we have also had to get used to our doctor’s “different” attitude to this.  Normally, a fever will probably have necessitated an admission into the hospital, IVY antibiotics, a battery of tests etc.. This time, he has not really wanted to see us!  Prescribed a couple of medicines over the phone and wished us well!

All infections incite the Graft cells (my current immunity system which is my bothers cells) to fighting the infection.  Unfortunately these excitable fellows, in addition to fighting the infection also fight the host organs causing a bump in the Graft Vs Host Disease – or the liver counts.  He has bumped up an immune-suppresant drug.  Hopefully it comes off soon.  More importantly it will be nice to be fever free.   Today has been mild fever – mostly under 100.  But we are being very cautious.

Nisha is here for 3 weeks.  She is currently in Delhi to celebrate New Year’s with her friends.  Ashwin had an emotional farewell day at school.  He has a nice group that will, hopefully, be there for each other over the years. My gang of REC buddies is one of my most prized possessions.  His college admissions have started coming through – he has got into a few and awaits a lot more.  Amita is busy as hell, trying to keep up with the culinary demands of the 4 of us!  and the 18Million and 201 things on her head.  Rest assured she sleeps well at night!

We want to wish all of you the most wonderful new year.  I wish all of us are blessed to accept whatever is in front of us and do what it is needed now, without attachment to our ideas.   We also want to thank all of you for all your wishes that have brought us this far.  We are able to lift our heads from the sand and look at a possibility of 2 year post remission – in 6 months.  Of course, we quickly bury our heads back in the sand and surround our thoughts with what is needed to get by that day.  So many of you have sent your love and wishes, our limited energies have made us unable to respond properly.  Please continue to send us your best. We need it.

Musings

The normal ups and downs in a physically punishing environment continues.  I was so connected to the infinite for 8 hours one day.  I just sat with the 102 fever and wished nothing, thought nothing and did nothing.  Then there were also numerous instances where the body suffering took over and engulfed me.  That’s Lyf.

The key to this seems to be training of the mind.  In the immortal words of Swami Muktananda and Papa Ramdas

Three salient factors are needed for success in life, viz. one-pointedness of the mind to help focus, moderation and regulation in life for achieving the same and finally equanimity and evenness in attitude.

” Be the light unto yourself and in your own original way manifest the magnificence and power of your enlightened life. Be highly creative and set free the infinite power that is within you.”

Sharing

Stunning article by Martin Crowe about wearing masks in public.

http://www.espncricinfo.com/magazine/content/story/693959.html

I have been working hard at enjoying listening to music.  Here are my top 5!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd2B6SjMh_w
(Crazy from Gnarls Barkley)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2sakbHfl_4
(song from varanam ayiram)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9FslIl2R-I
(let it be by Beatles)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlaZSx6tqRo
(Zariya by AR Rehman)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1D3a5eDJIs
(runnin down a dream by Tom Petty)

The last month has been a bit crooked.  Reducing medicines has meant more normalcies – just feeling more normal.  Actually feeling hungry is one of those normalcies.  Wrestling with Ashwin, who is pretending to be giving his all is another of those moments.  Normal enough that we made it to Chennai for my mom’s 3^rd anniversary.  The body was strong enough to weather the ride and the changes in food, scenario etc.. The crook in the crooked has been the body pain.  Doc ascribes it to the reduction of the “goody goody” effects of steroids.  The body feels like after a 2 hour badminton game and an hour lifting after a year-long hiatus from physical exercise.  The good news that it is 50% better than a month ago.  But this has meant that all walking outside has stopped.  The good news is that I have started walking an hour or so in the house, which hopefully is a precursor to getting back to my Forest Gump days.

Amita and the kids are well.  Ashwin is deep into his college application process and making a good fist of it.  We await the arrival of Nisha for her Christmas break.  Will be terrific to be all together again.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Musings

Castles in the Storm

Self-knowledge is – Awareness of the lack of self. This becomes apparent when the source of everything is recognized to be the cosmic power; which is omnintrinsically present as the source of the flow of blood, the breath, every material substance, the warmth in the digestive system, the magic of the re-productive system, thoughts etc.. Meditating on this has given me infinite patience – a rock to rest and observe the flow of Leukemia.

Handling the ups and downs when “getting better” is very irksome.  It seems like you are sitting in the car, on your commute, looking at your home, 100 mts away, stuck in a torrential downpour, in a traffic pileup.

Seeing the disease, the sufferer, cure and the cause of the disease as the “one source”, leaves me with infinite patience to let everything run its course.  There is no expectation and hence all there is to do is in front of you. It allows me to consume my medicines knowing that the 3-4 hours of feeling low energy is minutes away. This has been critical for my healing and coming-to-terms, for a guy who has always been in a hurry!

This line of belief – about the lack of self – is the wafer thin divide between immense joy and intense depression.  One side is the ocean of immense joy because the infinite cosmos is allowed to do its thing. There is nothing to do but watch and let-it-be. Expectations and desires for life to run a certain course are trusted with the incredible power that so obviously runs our lives.  Expansion of the self happens.  The other side of the wafer is the smouldering fire of depression – self-pity, fueled by the obvious lack of power in the self, the search for meaning when none exists, the definition for the ghost called identity.  These searches and definitions add so much meaning during the “good times” but wilt when the universe acts in contradiction to the desires of the self.  The castles in the air become the eye of the storm.

Sharing

The following was sent to me by a dear friend and is ascribed to Meher Baba – one of India’s great saints.

Just because you haven’t seen the results you would like to see doesn’t mean that you have failed or that you will fail.

I know that it is hard for you to keep the faith. I know that it is hard when failure seems so much more real to you. I know that you are hurting right now.

I have told you before that if you want to walk away for the moment I understand. If you want to focus your time and attention on the physical world as opposed to on spiritual growth and development I get it. I do not blame you. I do not love you any less: not for thinking it and not if you do it.

My Love is not dependent on you achieving any goal.

My Love is unconditional, Child. You don’t have to earn it. You don’t have to change the world. You don’t have to save everyone. You don’t have to save anyone.

You are My Child. You are My Beloved. No matter what happens you are still My Beloved Child. Whatever choices you make, whatever path you walk you are still My Beloved. My Love does not depend on such things. My Love is infinite and inviolable.

You think sometimes that you are betraying Me when you think you should spend more time focused on the physical. This is not the Truth. I do not feel betrayed by your desire to provide well for your family. I do not think that you are greedy. I do not think that you are selfish. I do not think that you are weak or that you are a coward.

I think you are human.

I think you see a limited amount. I think you’re doing your best. I think that you don’t always know what to think or who to trust. I think you are hurting and scared. And I don’t think that there is anything wrong with you being scared when you don’t know what the future holds.

I know you would rather feel more in control; but, honestly that’s not life. You cannot control outcomes. I understand that you wish you knew better what would happen if you continued trying to become a professional spiritual teacher. I understand that you are concerned for the wellbeing of your family. I understand that money problems are often stressful to you and to all of My Children.

I know that it is not always easy to believe that telepathic communication is real. And I know that you sometimes mistake your desires and dreams for real spiritual communication leading to even greater confusion. Again I tell you, it’s alright. If you need a break take it. If you feel the need to walk away and focus on the physical I understand.

The one guarantee I give is My Love.

That is immutable. That is unchangeable. If you want it, it is yours. If you don’t want it, it’s still yours. If you deny it, it’s still yours. If you forget it, it’s still yours. If you run away from it, My Love is still yours.

There is nothing you need to do to earn My Love. There is nothing you must avoid to ensure that I continue to love you. Sin does not affect My Love. All My Children make mistakes. My Human Children wander and are often confused. Some deny Me; but, I never deny them and I never deny you. I know the Truth of you when you forget. I will be here waiting for you when you decide to look.

Maybe you look again today or maybe you decide that I am a fantasy and dig into searching for a new job. The choice is yours. I will be here waiting regardless. I will love you regardless.

Let go of the fantasy that I can be or will be disappointed in you. It cannot be. It will not be.

In your heart you know the Truth. You know that I am real. You know that I love you. You know that I am with you; but, it’s not always easy to listen to your heart when logic and reason keep telling you otherwise. I know how powerful a force fear can be in your life. And I know that there are others who depend on you in the physical world. I see your great love for them, Child. I see the love that lies within you.

Take your time.

It is OK.

There is no rush.