A calm 2 months was a gift to us. All haematology parameters have improved. Medicines were reduced. The one upmanship between the heart the kidney continues. The kidney blinked and has improved. I went through a month of being very tired but have regained my energy during the last couple weeks. Really looking forward to restarting my walks.

The new diet ( vegan, no oil, milk, all whole plant based, no tea coffee, no processed food, no sugar) continues. It really is amazing that anything (ANYTHING) taken away always brings new gifts. There is a ceiling on the amount of water I can consume, but that has come with an extra-ordinary experience with drinking every drop of water.   A diet without Oil comes with a gift of eating as much as you can ( I recently finished a full large plate of baked papdi chat). Not eating milk or yoghurt, comes with a gift of zero gastric issues. Going vegan has opened me to the world of fruits.   Not playing Badminton has opened up the world of Bridge. Ice cream, my favourite, has opened doors to fruit slushes that are sublime. No tea and coffee segues to the world of Herbs and water. I am still trying figure out the benefits of giving my Pani Puri, chats, French Fries, Ketchup etc..!! All this means that I can eat only in one restaurant in Bangalore that is Vegan. But am increasingly finding out that chefs do accommodate special requests and I had some delicious Pasta yesterday. Amita has been amazing. This has required a complete change in the kitchen!

We have started a new treatment called EECP (ww.eecp.com). It is an non-invasive heart procedure. It makes sense and let us see how it helps.

Lots of bridge is happening. I am getting increasing competent at it. It is a good time to have a good laugh and stay focussed for a few hours.

I am off some medications. Cyclosporin, an immune suppressant, is completely off. I want to wait to see how my body handles the absence of cyclosporine, after 3 years, before celebrating.

Musing

Post Parroting

A friend of mine started a FB group on happiness. My FB newsfeed is replete by friends forwarding quotations by others. Tired of this parroting, I got away from FB for sometime. I lost interest in the superficial treatment of most things in life – incl happiness.. Most recently I revisited one of the most acclaimed books Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Flow, the secret to happiness . Rehashing someone elses’s experience and imagining a new intellectual model is par for the course. I wish Mihaly dived into himself and saw what if any of his intellectual hypothesis was true- – for himself before shooting from someone else’s shoulder. It is difficult is looking within and very tough to put yourself on the line and being vulnerable.

Who is enjoying

Got me thinking on happiness. It struck me that I do not understand enough about how time is spent in my life and if I am happy in those moments.   This surely is one the most important questions of our life and a precursor to any quest for happiness. This question is answered superficially in time management business skill courses by counting the number of hours spent on tasks. It needs a psychological view into life. The most relevant questions surely are, “who is happy or unhappy in those moments” and “how do I be happier in those moments”.

I found it very difficult to classify the time I spend. The following are my tentative observations;

1. My mind spends 35% of the time sleeping. I seem to have no idea how much of these are in a dream and many are in a dreamless state. The dreams transcended time. I could never tell whether the dream was “on” all my sleep or only for a few minutes!
   • There is no one to be happy during sleep.
   • The dream state involved an “I” who is a spurious ghost entity; a shadowy reflection of our waking state.
   • Being pleasantly tired before going to sleep and having the ability to quieten the mind seem to be important parameters of a restful sleep. Is this the happiness we are after?
2. Some amount of time (10%) is spent in day dreaming. Just uncontrolled random mind wanderings with no purpose. These are associative memory just running like a wild horse.
   • The I is buried. There is no consciousness of being Naresh. A faint consciousness of being a separate individual
   • How do we define happiness in this state? Is there any thing we can do to influence this state?
3. A large portion of the waking time (30%) is doing a single task driven by an associative context (sensory observations triggering a cascading conditioned response) that is driven by desires and memories; brushing teeth, plans, having a good time with friends, debating, reading a book, yelling at someone, getting ready for an event, planning, reading, doing, running losing weight, convincing someone, doing good etc…
   • Most of these are in a neutral state of mind (there is no “I” consciousness here). These activities just flow without me being conscious of being Naresh. There is a faint consciousness of being a separate individual.
   • Trying to keep achievable goals seems to be important in being happy in state. It allows the body to experience more and more victories and hence happiness. The key question are issues linked with chasing desires – anger at those derailing the desire, sadness when the event is over etc… Sadly, the mind after reminiscing, soon forgets it, and chases other rainbows.
4. All our minds have a unique quality called “apperception”; the minds ability to know itself. A thought analyse/judges/comments/understands another thought; both from the same mind. Often, this process creates an illusion that the two thoughts are separate entities. Example; I am ashamed of what I did and I should have done better (the one who is in shame over the other who is the shamed are both the same!). Some amount of time is spent (10%) is spent in a split mind that is apperceiving. It complains, compares, competes and becomes fearful or happy based on the result. This has a concrete “I” thought.
   • The enjoyer also suffers in this state. The thought that is policing comes from the same mind that is being policed. There is a greater sense of being an individual in this state. Occasionally, a thought comes up saying I am Naresh, else there is no consciousness of being Naresh.
   • Creating more situations that result in a positive outcome from our comparisons seems to be a key. For example, comparing with the less fortunate makes us feel good. The key question is whether we can compare with the less fortunate without comparing with the more fortunate and feeling miserable?
5. A small amount of time (10%) is spent in mindfulness or a slow or a fasting mind. This is a special quality of an apperceiving mind.
   • A new identity “I” is just aware of other thoughts, without complaining, judging etc… There is no Naresh, no sense of being an individual. The I has morphed into awareness I.
   • There is less interest in the world. Is this the happiness we seek? This state enjoys in a more absolute, less relative way.   The happiness is not dependent on consummation of desires or comparisons.
6. A small amount of time (5%)is spent without any identity nor apperception. There is only oneness.
   • There is no I
   • There is supreme dis interest in the world, while fully indulging and allowing the world to function. There is no identity and hence no apperception. There is complete freedom. Is this is the happiness we seek?

All of this leaves the search for happiness without an individual searching, and in a rather  bewildering context. Burdened with these complexities, I seem to be at rest with 5 and 6.

Sharing

I uncovered an absolute gem (available in India and the US). Letters to a Young Poet, by Rainer Maria Rilke. The writing is exquisite, much nuanced thoughts and enjoyable edition.

Another book that I have enjoyed in parts is Brene Browns book on Being Vulnerable. Amita enjoyed it very much. It is a subtle and emotionally honest treatment of a difficult subject.