Noodles with Naresh

I am feeling well.  But par for the course; there are a couple of issues that keeps us honest and grounded and recognizant of the fact that this is a marathon.

Let me start with the good news.  My walking is up to 3-4Km a day and at a brisk pace.   My energy levels and eating is all up significantly.  The fluid accumulation is down.  Some medicines pulled everything out – almost 5-6 Liters of fluid!.  This is not good and the Doc Sharat was clear that we need to avoid this kind of build up.  I think is the first time he has looked at us sternly; he is convinced that we are not taking enough protein and the abysmally low levels of protein means the cells are not able to push the fluid out.  He wants us to eat 100Gms of protein everyday and vegetarian diets just don’t allow that easily.  Dal’s with rice or chappathi is probably 3-5 Gms, Egg whites are 3 Gms etc.. Luckily our friends in the US are pulling for us and making it happen.  The protein supplements in India are not that great; they are high calorie and are meant for body building etc. So we got some whey protein and protein bars from the US.  I am taking in about 60Gms of protein a day, which reads a lot better than 20!  Thanks a bunch Praveen, anu, Jinny, Ashok etc..  There are others queueing up to bring more boxes here.  Please call us if you are a vegetarian and ever get into a low-protein situation.  We have done enough research on this to start a protein consulting company!  We are confident that the levels of protein will reset with all the love, concern, prayers and protein boxes! being shipped across the oceans.

The liver counts got a little worse.  The decreased medicines have its own balancing period.  The decreased medicines tilted the GvH in the graft direction and the liver counts went up.  So I am back on 20Mg of steroid for a week.  Will see how it goes.  I am accepting of the journey and by and large willing to see this through in its own pace.  The doc says that these are not major issues and this back and forth is to be expected and will settle in a year.  He keeps reminding us that our severe stomach issues settled after 3 months (the host and the graft cells finally called truce and agreed to co-habit peacefully) and in the same way other spots like the liver will also settle in time and we have to let the body find its balance

My mental state is great.  Mostly watching events go by and staying still.  Lots of prayers and allowing for that direct interaction between cosmos and my body without my mind getting in the way with its judgements, questions, opinions etc…

Musings

I was piqued by why and how sometimes our mind is a slave and loses perspective/control/awareness.   And why and how sometimes it is the master and able to see events pass; by resting in a larger awareness and having the power to do what is needed without too much involvement and suffering.

I observed some of the essays that twirl in our mind that contribute to being on one side of the above fence or other.  We end up as a slave when the “The energy of sense perception and desire” overcomes “The energy of awareness”.

There is huge energy generated with

• our senses pick up something
• The sensory input then sparks the mind to interpret and perceive the data
• The perception of the mind then collides with the database of desires and generates enormous energy.

The energy of awareness is submerged and we become a slave to the cycle of senses-perception-desire.  The energy of awareness, being weak and not well developed is easily susceptible to being overrun.  The most fascinating belief that underpins all of this is the concept of “I and “mine”.  We have convinced ourselves that “I own the faculty of senses”, “I am responsible for the faculties of the mind” and “ I own my database of desires and I live to fulfil those”.  The “I” now is an image – an image of my desires and perception.  As a result there is more suffering when the process life threatens the “I”, and more pleasure when it enhances the concept of “I”.  The I belief is central to all of this – that somehow me as an individual;

• Owns my sense perception energy even though it is abundantly clear that the body is a creation by the cosmos and follows its own path (amply demonstrated by my disease!).
• Is responsible and am defined by the sense perception even though it is abundantly clear that these have happened in the recesses of the mind through extra-ordinarily complex neuro systems.
• I am responsible for building the database of desires.  And those desires are important to protect.  These desires define an image if me that needs to be protected.  The desires are mine and I can attain them and attaining them is important for my identity.  This is contrarian to the facts that desires are developed through experiences and genetic happenstances over which we have no control over!
• I need to exist, I need security, I need be to be loved.

Of course, the goal is to only observe – not to label these as right or wrong or arrest the low of actions that emanate from the “I” or the flow of life.

We spend a lot of our lives consumed by these nuclear reactions that release so much of energy.  Maybe worth pondering a bit over this.  The database of desires and the patterns of perception are the catalysts of “ego” and “individuality”; which is the bane of living with awareness.

 Sharing

A fantastic article on how technology is used in situations that are so challenging.  It is a must read and a reminder for all the corporate types and technologies about the incredible work they do.

http://www.openthemagazine.com/article/living/finding-my-memory

I am reading a great book on the growth and the seeds of Al Qaida.  It is a Pulitzer winning book and worth a read.  It is called “The Looming Tower” and is by Lawrence Wright.

Just got back from the doc; he was a little concerned about the continued low protein levels in me that is leading to a lot of fluid retention.  There is no leakage of protein in the urine (did the tests) and no dysentery – so he reckons my protein intake is too low as there is no leakage.  He gave a stern ultimatum to “up” my protein levels.  My blood levels are very well – which is probably the most important thing.  The liver counts are high – but the doc is not concerned and thinks it will settle.

My general wellbeing is good –barring the fluid in the body.  Mental alertness, body strength, ability to take on more work, engage more; have all increased.  Need to be patient.  The doc said something beautiful today – we will let your body heal itself and let us not rush anything.  I am walking over 1.5Kms a day – a Km at home and half outside.  I feel I will be a spring chicken when the fluid gets out.

Amita is a trooper.  Encouraging and just doing whatever it takes.  Ashwin is home post his exams.  He is studying for his SATs, Subject SATs etc…  Nisha is also well and started her last quarter of her 2^nd year in U Chicago.  Ashwin will be in Atlanta from May 7^th to 24^th or so with my dear friend Madhavan Swaminathan of Georgia Tech for a brief internship.  I will not prefix Madhavan’s name with a Dr; too many docs in my life.

The plucking away of so much in my life has, in all its details and starkness, revealed;

a) The nature of the mind is to seek fulfilment and security in external events.  The mind dwells for hours and days on a praise or a putdown, on a supposed achievement or one-upmanship or failure, on a plan or lack of a plan, on an attraction or repulsion, on devotion or repulsion etc….There are numerous bright lights glues to draw the moth of the mind and the mind clings to it and spends time to seek worth, security, pleasure etc..

b) The transient/ephemeral/temporal nature of these external events also is amply evident in the quiet state I find myself in.  It is only a matter of time that the mind loses its interest in these external events – the externality loses their lustre, their strength

The mind constantly seeks “peace of mind” but never finds it, causing a constant churn.  Some of us are more distraught and others less so.  The level of distraught-ness(!) can be directly correlated to how much the indiviual is seeking peace in the external.  This is the truth of our collective lives for 1000’s of years.  The only constant is change and we seek constancy in that inevitable change. Time WILL roll on and the external crutch, that our mind is relying for peace, will either disappear or become an unstable support and hence a burden.

The above drama is played almost every day in my life.

The last two weeks have sometimes offered diverse experiences – every intra-day is different.  Maybe great mornings are followed by not-so-great afternoons that turn into great evenings.  What makes it great and not-so-great is the mind relying on a stress/pain/discomfort free existence for its peace of mind.

This forced my mind to find ways to insulate itself against these ups and downs.

There was a great south Indian, Tamil cook book called “Samaitha Paar”.  During my migration to the US in 1985 for studies, my dear mom bought me an English version with a curious and impossible sounding literally translated title – “Cook and See”!  Now, as a virtual prisoner, I have found increasingly the practice of watching my mind and meeting each judgement with a realization to “wait and see”!    Just watch.  Just Be.  Just know it will change.  Peace and love automatically blossoms; there is nothing else.  And amazingly, the external stimulus inevitably changes, sometimes in the matter of hours; which we would not be perceptive enough to notice, if we had become totally identified with the external catalyst; like the changing mornings, afternoons and evenings.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Sharing

Thanks to Ms.  Afried Raman I discovered this fabulously written 4 lines by Omar Khayyam

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it

— Omar Khayyam

I also want to share a lovely incident with my in-laws who have been my role models for how to lead a married life.   My mother in law had her spectacles dirty.  My father in law noticed it and slowly got up from his chair and returned a few minutes later with a clean cloth in his hand.  He then took her spectacles and wiped it clean and handed the specs back to my mother in law.  It is a blessing to watch them actively care for each other with “attention” and “concern”.  Having noticed so many of these incidents; I have been transformed and have taken the as role models on how to live a married life.  Their actions speak the truth that “giving in to the other” is strength and not weakness.

If you like Sufi, Kabir etc.., you can’t go wrong with buying stuff on www.kabirproject.org.  The movies there are phenomenal … absolutely amazing. Kabir is even more incredible!

I know I am sending  a lot your way; but the wonderful side effect of what we are grappling with is the time we have to enjoy the subtle things in life.  I can’t resist sharing with you.  If inclined, please listen, with good speakers to this unbelievable song  “mothers of the disappeared” by U2.  I had never heard it before; it had gotten lost it among the other great songs in the album.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIeEAAOZAUQ