18^th April 2014

The landscape continues to be dotted with peaks and valleys. The last month rolled by with lots of scenic peaks. The views were stable, albeit with the help of some medicines. Evening walks are vigorous – 75 minutes and close to 6Kms.   Acceptance and awareness are dominant states of the mind. Weight is at 71 Kgs. Skin graft Vs host issues continue in a slightly milder form. Patchiness in the face, ulcers in the mouth and burning eyes has reduced but still prevalent. Night sleep is not complete but restful. So many times, I am grateful to be present in life’s landmarks. A visit to a friend’s home or seeing a buddy reminds me of times when it was not clear that we would ever be able to visit them. Several experiences brush my mind with awareness that it is an incredible blessing to be alive and well to witness the passing of the event. I partook in a student meeting for the first time in 2 years; went to a large gathering at Ashwin’s high school graduation ceremony for the first time. No infections afflicted me post those events.

Ashwin’s college acceptance was a landmark for me! He has accepted his admission into University of Southern California, Los Angeles. USC was one of his top three choices and being accepted into it was a very happy moment for all of us. The kid weathered the ups and downs of the last 4 years and stood up to be counted. The experiences of the last few years will offer him great perspective in years to come. I credit USC to Nisha. She, having suffered the brutal cold of Chicago, deeply willed a California college for Ashwin and envisioned Ash continuing to play his soccer and various sports while pursuing his academics. It was touching to hear her say that Ash being accepted into USC was one of the happiest days of her life.   Amita’s workload has increased on skype and continues to be there for many.

Musings

Seeing the sun in the shadow

Some of the blessings of the last 2 years have been;

Intimately knowing that anything can happen anytime and assuming no individual responsibility for the disease or the recovery. The proper role of the individual in the universe is intimately lived. The sun is seen in the shadow. This has taken the sting out of the suffering that comes out of individual ownership and responsibility. The journey is without shame, that typically manifests in tendencies to be secretive about the disease, or anger, sadness, fear, jealousy etc.. I am under no illusion that all WILL be well, or won’t be well, or that I am responsible for my recovery etc.. This leaves me space, rest and energy to fully engage in what needs to be done without fear and anxiety about protecting and maintaining an image that I have created for myself.

Knowing deeply that the disease has a psycho somatic cause and staying open to all possibilities and changes to my body and mind. Part of this was to see the disease as a necessity and acknowledging that my body probably needed the kind of attention it has received over the last 2 years. My body probably craved for the attention after decades of mind over matter attitude and the disease was a way for the body to get what it wanted. It is Mind and Matter.

Being accepting that the disease was probably a cry to make fundamental psychological changes. The most fundamental changes that happened were to assign the rights of doership of most actions, and the outcome of those actions to the universe. Transferring the power of attorney of my life to the universe, and being a full co-operative agent in whatever was happening and needed to be done, happened. This allowed for the stress to be manageable in impossible times.

The shift in consciousness from Me to a collective consciousness (based on experiences and inquiry) probably changed the conditioning/vasanas that were probably some of the causes of the stresses in my life and hence some part of the disease.

Realizing that changing forms are intrinsic and integral to this world and that dying and birthing are just change in forms. A cup of coffee is an effect of so many metamorphisms of forms; the coffee pods to powder, the coffee powder to liquid, the energy of the planters to plucked coffee pods, the water in the rain to coffee pods, the heat in the sun to the coffee plant, the petrol in the transport to the delivery in the retail outlets etc.. It helped to realize that dying and birthing seem to be just changes in forms to maintain a cosmic order that transcends space (people) and time (generations). Ascribing personal context and meaning (individual identity) obscures this truth and causes no end of suffering. This allowed the possibility of death to be faced with a tiny bit of balance and faith.

Realizing that all the above were constructs of the mind that replaced other constructs of the mind; hence, they do not speak of the Truth that is changeless in a dream and deep sleep and constant across space (people) and time (generations). This allowed deep rest and not getting caught up in taking any of the above too seriously. This allowed the shadow to be seen as another construct of the mind.

Sharing

Someone sent this to me. So much of our energy gets spent in getting approval from others. I enjoy Facebook and it is incredible to see how many change their picture profiles to get approval from others. How much energy is spent on getting Likes! Kurt Vonnegut would have fun with Facebook Likes!!! I hope you enjoy this.

In 2006, a group of high school students asked celebrated author Kurt Vonnegut to visit their school. He sent them the absolute perfect response.

Dear Xavier High School, and Ms. Lockwood, and Messrs Perin, McFeely, Batten, Maurer and Congiusta:

I thank you for your friendly letters. You sure know how to cheer up a really old geezer (84) in his sunset years. I don’t make public appearances any more because I now resemble nothing so much as an iguana.

What I had to say to you, moreover, would not take long, to wit: Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting, sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what’s inside you, to make your soul grow.

Seriously! I mean starting right now, do art and do it for the rest of your lives. Draw a funny or nice picture of Ms. Lockwood, and give it to her. Dance home after school, and sing in the shower and on and on. Make a face in your mashed potatoes. Pretend you’re Count Dracula.

Here’s an assignment for tonight, and I hope Ms. Lockwood will flunk you if you don’t do it: Write a six line poem, about anything, but rhymed. No fair tennis without a net. Make it as good as you possibly can. But don’t tell anybody what you’re doing. Don’t show it or recite it to anybody, not even your girlfriend or parents or whatever, or Ms. Lockwood. OK?

Tear it up into teeny-weeny pieces, and discard them into widely separated trash recepticals [sic]. You will find that you have already been gloriously rewarded for your poem. You have experienced becoming, learned a lot more about what’s inside you, and you have made your soul grow.

God bless you all!
Kurt Vonnegut