Update

The last 2 weeks has been great with increasing weight (now at 68ish Kg), meditation, stillness, exercise, stretching, very light lifting.  Much interaction with friends and the long awaited re union with Nisha next week all add to the well-being.  The liver counts are slowly stabilizing, protein levels are stats quo and not going up because of the medicines. Steroids are a bit down, and puffiness in the cheek (because of the steroids) is prominent.  We realize the liver counts are stable and going down because of the medicines, and it will be a huge step forward if it stabilizes without the extra help.

The energy levels are good; have started playing chess and find that I am playing as well, if not better, than before.  Nisha and I have a game of table tennis scheduled when she is here!

We need your prayers and well wishes to continue this way.

Musing

Someone asked me what are your greatest learning’s over the last year?  It was not a difficult question to answer

The flimsy foundations of Judgements

David Kiersey in his classic work http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/overview_temperaments.asp makes a compelling treatise on 4 types of human beings.  I label myself as an “idealist”, through my genes, and a “rationalist”, through my education and conditioning – basically, a dreamer and a thinker (analyse most things and think about solving impossible problems in life and in the world!).

All this mean that I had so much trouble appreciating and understanding conversations that Amita has with her parents.  At risk of generalizing too much, they are guardians – practical folks who like structure, take care of people,  and who talk in a lot of detail about here and now (when did you come back?, how much did you buy this for? What time did the house help come today? etc..).

My judgements used to kick in – What is the use in talking and thinking about this? How mundane! Can’t we talk about something that will help someone? What are they talkin’ about?

The flimsy foundation based on which the mind rushes to judgements and not stay with observations was so starkly experientially revealed to me.   My life journey over the last year has not ended in a mortuary because of innate ability of Amita and others around me to focus on the here and now and not wander into solving world’s problems!  Diet, medicines, overcoming and avoiding various discomfort, dealing with insurance, banks, scheduling visits of friends, planning for a million things; all require a guardian like approach and plenty of the “mundane”  conversations that I had so much trouble relating to.

Another wonderful experience to reveal this truth in all its starkness was when my good friend in Silicon Valley asked me a few days I left the US last year, “How was I doing?” and I answered in my usual optimistic ebullient way – “Could not be better!”.  It is comic that Leukaemia had already started in my body when I answered.

The costs of desire

Desires are the engine around which our world revolves.  Without them there won’t be a world. But, I am at a point when I am almost afraid to desire anything; sometimes, even afraid to desire “getting completely healthy!”, preferring to let that decision rest with the universe.  The costs of fulfilling desiring and desires are non-negotiable. I used to always tell Amita that I would love to retire early in life.  Well, here I am doing exactly that – through Leukaemia. My mother, after a hard life, always said “ I would love to stop cooking for others and be fed by others”.  She spent her final years with her desires fulfilled – but through a painful colon cancer.   I always desired to come back to India, but had to leave the US – a country I love and now the kids are moving apart to study in the US.  Making money or doing our best at work usually means critical time spent away from the family, irregular diet, a busy suffering mind etc.. Desire to keep protein levels high means more graft versus host issues.  Desire to ameliorate pain means pain killers, which means high acidity. Desire for low GvHD means steroids and immune suppressants, with its costs of puffiness in the cheek and others.

Hand of the Universe in the palm of the mind

The power of the mind is obvious.  It is capable of incredible creativity, power, problem solving.  It has pulled Amita and me through so many situations.  A parallel truth is the irrefutable evidence of the powerlessness of the mind in the background of the universal power that is evident in every event, minute of our lives.  Observing and allowing both of these to just be and to exist, without attempting to resolve the seemingly dichotomous concepts is a quandary for the mind and the beauty of life.

The helplessness when initially diagnosed or receiving the results of numerous tests in the last year is a constant reminder of the later truth.  The attention to detail and problem solving required to even getting to the test is a reminder of the former.

Our breath, flow of blood, digestive system, cellular wisdom are a constant reminder of the unseen hand.  Excercising to keep our sugar in check, eating the right diet etc.. are a reminder of the former.

The world runs using the database of our known.  Seeing the hand of the unborn, changeless, the infinite and the un-manifest in the field of the known brings great rest and energy to enjoy the journey by not worrying about the results.  In these moments of awareness and truth, equal attention and life force is spent in doing whatever needs to be done and not worrying about the results of what is being done.

Love says ‘I am everything’, wisdom says ‘I am nothing.’ Between the two my life flows.” — Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Sharing

I discovered Vijay Bhat and Neelima Bhat.  They have a book “Cancer is Me” and have started an organization called Sampurnah.  Unfortunately, the title alludes to this being another “cancer survivors” auto biography; but it is so much more.  They are very special people, chosen by the universe for special work.  I recommend this book for all who are interested in living well and preventing chronic emotional and its related physiological issues.  The book is extremely well written and for those of us who like guided meditation,  Neelima has freely downloadable audio at;

http://sampurnah.com/content/?page_id=43
The guided meditation is a combination of Indian, western and chinese concepts.  And it is divine.  Besides being extremely meaningful to me, I am enjoying it immensely.  Great way to start my day.

Last year, this time and date marked the finale of the 2 day stem cell transplant procedure.  The universe manifesting in my brothers stem cells were going to take a crack at a cure.  Whispers of fatality rates and mortality hung in the air.  Maybe more for someone like me who had a coronary issue during the initial chemo.  I remember feeling like I just got pushed off a cliff when I was wheeled into the frozen tundra – The Bone Marrow Transplant.  Amita and I were in tears; almost felt like we were leaving behind our lives, leaping into the unknown.  We knew this much; we could not think much ahead.

Strangely, it was kind of easy to do the irrational, which is to trust our future and cure with the same universal force that brought us the disease.  I guess that is what happens when all illusions of control, power, certainty and doer-ship are evaporated in the furnace of experience.  It left me without my mind. And that is a beautiful thing.  The non-mind provides the flames of trust and faith that decimates planning, expectations, desires; among many other constructs of the mind.

Today, a year later, Amita and I, went to share this day with the numerous nurses and doctors, whose skills, dedication and commitment have nudged us to this one year mark.  It was healing.  It was love.  It was relief.  We also spent most of yesterday with friends who gave in so many ways.  My thoughts are with the folks who gave blood and platelets.  I do not even remember how many I needed – certainly north of 20 transfusions.  These are folks who spent half a day to a day in the midst of their buy schedule to help someone they did not even know.  And possibly never meet again.  Love certainly!  It was a delight to meet Dr Sharat.  His skills, commitment and concern have been the engine that has driven us away from the numerous dangers of the past year.

The XRays seems to be better.  The pneumonia seems to be under control.  The fungal infection tests have turned up negative.  However, last week, the liver counts shot up.  The doctor hung it on the infection and said that was expected.  This meant that the last week saw an increase in medicines – steroid and immuno suppressants.  We redid the blood tests today and the liver counts had crashed towards normal again.  The doc reduced the steroids today.  The roller coaster that we had no intention of boarding refuses to let us dis-embark.   It is daring us to enjoy the ride.

The energy is great.  No body discomfort.  Slight fatigue.  The blood counts are very well.  A dear friend asked us; “so what are your milestones ahead?”.   Forced us to think of answers to questions that we had never wanted!  We think the next milestone is the stabilization of the GvHD (liver and mouth) without medicines.  That will be big and allow me to possibly be almost normal.  Will watch and see – with the utmost patience.  Weight has gone up to 67.  Interestingly, this is the average of the extremes – 86Kgs and 49Kgs – that my body has carried over the past year.

Musings

There was a spectacular Rumi special that my friend sent me;

“And still, after all this time, the sun has never said to this earth , “You owe me.”

Look what happens with Love like that.  It lights up the sky.”
Rumi

The words had me spellbound.  And then it got me wondering. There is so much talk and energy around about ethereal love – loving without expectations.  Quotations like Rumi’s’ and so many mythological stories in all religions abound in this context of self-less, limitless and infinite love.  It sets us aspirations of the ideal.

However, these aspirations are double edged swords – it could be toxic and of course inspirational.  How many times have we witnessed the vedic expert, or the authority of a saint or the whiz on mythology or the ceaseless social icon cease to be a human who is sensitive to the other.  The “expert” who lectures on ethereal love often finds it hard to honour earthly love!!

Certainly my life has not been blessed with the energy to leap frog into the realm of ethereal love that exists without expectations.  It has been tentative because it has been sequential – inching forward through the forests of earthly love – love with expectations – before even trying to understand ethereal love.

From a macho male who shirked or cracked a joke when the word “love” was mentioned,  I needed to learn to love myself  by not trying to be perfect all the time.  I needed to accept earthly love from friends and family, by learning to accept a compliment or a gift without feeling compelled to reciprocate the compliment. I needed to learn to “serve” and deal with all the expectations that came with it.  I needed to learn to express appreciation without the attendant expectations etc…

Over time, glimpses of ethereal love happened in a relationship or moment when acceptance happened despite the recognition and realizations of all the imperfections and expectations of me, the other and the moment.   In that moment a stillness happens; all the imperfections and expectations of the self, the other and the moment is seen as a product of the cosmic force. In the moment and that fullness, earthly love is seen as a reflection of ethereal – earthly love becomes ethereal love.  There is no fight between the two. There are no aspirations to become ethereal love, no aspirations to transcend earthly love.  It just is.  All are one.  Just be.

Sharing

http://www.humansofnewyork.com/post/32011671113/the-chess-hustler

a really nice article on some interesting folks with interesting perspectives!  I am also enjoying the site.

Here is another spellbinder from Rumi that was sent to me by my friends.  I am re sharing them.

Raise your words, not voice.
It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder